I’m going to try to use this site sort of as a diary, I think it will be nice to get some of my thoughts issues and opinions out there regardless of whether or not anyone chooses to read or learn from it. Just to give myself peace of mind, and allowing myself to render through any issues and opinions I have on many subjects. Just whats on my mind, and an insight to some of my weird thought processes.
Today I slept through my alarm, not surprising. I ended up starting my day about four or five in the afternoon, Matt decided to treat me to Wingers; we both enjoy it a lot but they tend to get our order wrong all the time. It’s not that we go to Wingers all the time is just that when we do they often get it wrong. Turns out that my Sim card is not fixed yet so I have to contact them again tomorrow. Doing some more organization and cleaning, I think I like the setup a lot better and it doesn’t make me feels claustrophobic and cluttered. I’m wearing a lot about my meeting with a random doctor from SSI is causing a lot of stress and worry; I don’t do well change or unexpected things and I tend to freak out whether I want to or not. I also went over to my mom and dad’s house in MaKinzi try to introduce me to her boyfriend, I was stressed out and kind of blew her off; I hope that she’s not mad at me about that I didn’t realize that I was blowing her off at the time until looking back on it. I also changed and updated a lot of my network stack changing IP addresses and also a lot of IP pools. Me and Matt don’t agree on a type of server or software to run on our network at home so I think we’ll both have to have our own server set up or like he says set up a hypervisor. I guess that Kaden didn’t understand that he had to have Xbox live Gold in order to play Fortnight, I think he’s addicted to it and it bugs me because it feels a lot like it’s a gambling game with how he buys battle chests. So it’s now 533 in the morning and I’m probably going to still be up for another two hours before I hit the sack. Hopefully I wake up with my alarm today when I get up. I’m getting worried about my Cadillac, the wheels are vibrating when I’m on the freeway; so I think that the balancing on the tires is wrong will need to be fixed but it will have to wait until I have money to do it. I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately; more than usual. I didn’t play any games today. Matt’s rearranging how his computers work swapping parts around, I get really confused with how he uses his computers it’s hard to follow. I found a song I relate to today… its reflective. I feel as though I am ending my day with negative thoughts and emotions and frustrated and feel like nothing got done, I still haven’t cleaned myself over a week I have to brush my teeth before go to bed today, I feel negative and numb.
Today I went over to aunt Springs On my way I cried a little bit about missing my mom, it’s so hard not being able to talk to her anymore to hear her advice to get her help through the day. I had get help calling SSI to let them know that I was going to attend the appointment that I originally didn’t feel that I would be able to attend in my current state of mind I’m upset that the letter from SSI felt threatening and that they would presume that I’m not disabled, they don’t know me my struggles my issues with disabilities what I go through every day how hard it is to get through every day. Today is the first day in the month that Matt hasn’t had to do laundry for me, I also did some vacuuming. I’m glad that I had enough will and desire to do things today that I was able to get some important things done. I was in a few games of league of legends with my cousin Cody, I decided to dig out my Dragon naturally speaking speech to text software which is why this site exists now. I created a MySQL database MySQL user and uploaded the word press software to my server. I fixed a Sim card issue with my mobile hotspot that change should apply tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow I fill up to calling T–Mobile to turn off my cell phone as I don’t need it now that I have my hotspot fixed. It’s now 136 in the morning starting to get tired. The laundry is almost done. Have been putting away the laundry as well this time which is a nice change. Worried about having enough for gas the next two weeks. I’ve been so stressed out that I was six days late on rent even though I have the cash sitting in my pocket. I hate when I forget simple things like that embarrassing and frustrating.
I’ve been on SSI for many years now, though I am grateful that has provided me a small sense of security in having a home, medicines, clothes, and food. I am frightened and frustrated that the little bit I do have could be stripped from me at a moments notice and that I would have no means to provide for myself. It’s not a matter of me just going and getting a job if the worst-case scenario were to happen because my average is that I only end up holding a job for maybe three months before I lose it to some stupid social issue. SSI has been my anchor my support structure that gives me at least some form of comfort in knowing that I am somewhat taking care of. I understand that there is rampant abuse of SSI by many people but I am not one of them. I’m afraid of some stranger making decisions that could make me end up on the street, I understand that my parents wouldn’t let that happen but I still wouldn’t be able to provide for myself even less than I do already, and it would set me back my progress and growth of being an adult considerably. I am still trying to find that job that I can keep where I don’t have the social issues into my employment. What’s frustrating about my type of autism is that I’m very smart and inquisitive but I have issues with just the right things in the correct combinations that always seem to find a way to fudge my jobs that I’ve had.
Here’s a little bit of history about myself
I grew up in Syracuse Utah, when I was around 8 to 11 I had to say goodbye to my early childhood friends; Kylie Ferris, Carly Born and Carly Hunter. When I moved to North Ogden Utah I met my childhood friends; Patrick Cornell, Chris Sorensen, Jake Walker, John Berger and Matt Jorgensen.
Of my childhood friends that I met when I moved to North Ogden, I’m still close friends with Chris Sorensen, John Berger and Matt Jorgensen. I feel that these friends have stuck with me through thick and thin, through all my trials and accepted me for who I am; the quirky person I am.
After struggling with school my entire life, always feeling weird and awkward, being confused and frustrated my whole life, a resource officer my senior year of high school hinted to my parents that I might have High Functioning Autism; it was at that time that I discovered that I have High Functioning Autism after being tested at the University of Utah Autism Center, I have difficulties with many social tasks and responsibilities, just going to the store to me is a frightful experience, I often have to have someone go with me in order to feel comfortable enough to do the shopping I need for food and other personal hygiene.
I’m frustrated that my Autism was not caught earlier, so that I might have gotten the help and assistance that I needed to be a better functioning member of society.
I’ve had many jobs so far in my life; all but one have been colossal failures, I always seem to run into social issues with my coworkers and other people that I interact with. I’m not talking about the casual run-ins with disagreements, I’m talking about having a knife pulled to your back at work for no apparent reason and being threatened.
Though I have many gifts, I recently tried to acquire a job with the IRS: Of course, I didn’t do my application correct on my own and with the government shutdown they did not catch my application in time for me to correct it before the position closed. So now I’m waiting yet another year twiddling my thumbs, feeling useless; wanting to work and not being able to. Yes I could probably get a job flipping hamburgers but I’m tired of flipping hamburgers. I want to do something that makes me feel good, that I feel has some sort of the meaning. I want to feel appreciated wanted and desired.
Authority figures tend to scare me, driving my car makes me nervous when I’m by myself; because in the past I have been pulled over for frivolous things. and I don’t answer appropriately as they often expect to questions. Law enforcement officers always force me to get into complex social engagements with them and I have almost had a taser pulled on me before. I was upset that I got pulled over for a presumed tail-light that was out. This light actually was not, but at the time I had not yet learned that it was unacceptable to exit your vehicle to see what the cop was saying was broken without announcing for permission first (hence the taser).
Whenever I am by myself in public, which I try not to be; I just get nervous because I’m always afraid of that awkward social situation that absolutely always occurs at the worst time and place with the worst possible people. Because I don’t appear to have issues, my speech is not stuttered people assume that nothing is wrong with me and that I’m just being rude, bossy or jackass.
Ultimately what has me frustrated is not being able to provide for myself or wake up on normal schedules and to alarm clocks; all the complex intricacies of day-to-day life, it is beyond infuriating having grown up in a house having learned that the man provides for his family. I am angry that I’m not able to at least provide for myself.
I have come far in adapting to my disabilities and working around them: I can now somewhat understand humor and joking, however there are still things that get me, and I have to catch myself before I get angry or upset.
I struggle with depression and anxiety, I struggle keeping a normal sleep schedule I also struggle with personal hygiene such as showering, putting on underarm deodorant and remembering to do things such as the laundry. I often have to get help going to the store to get groceries; thankfully I have a wonderful friends Matt, Chris and John. Though I am sure I annoy them sometimes I couldn’t ask for better friends they have been there for me when I needed them when I have felt all is lost and that I couldn’t go on.
I hope that as I continue to adapt to my disabilities and gain more experience socially, that I am able to come to a point in my life where I am comfortable and don’t feel like I’m suffering: most of the time right now it hurts to breathe I feel trapped alone confused frustrated sad and annoyed.
My mom Jenny had always helped me with these things; in getting through the day when my days were dark, she recently passed away and I have had to start leaning on my aunt Spring. She has been great but struggles herself with many things. I worry about being able to lean on people to help me right now, as I don’t trust myself to be a reliable person and I get overwhelmed too easily with very simple and meaningless things.
Right now it seems that I spend most of my time trying to fill in the gaps of my day. These days are horrifying terribly long days, the boredom and the frustration. I know that most normal people would probably be happy to have time to play video games all they want ; but for me that’s never been my thing. My thing is to learn, research, invent and problem solve. I just wish I could get paid for doing it, so I can provide for myself. I hate having to rely on other people for many things that I feel I should be able to do on my own.
I hate struggling to get up every day, I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to and hope for. Have to force myself to do the little bit of cleaning and/or cooking that I do actually do. I absolutely dread having to leave the house to go do something that involves being around other people. I feel like I have no energy need, drive, will or desire, and if I didn’t value the gift of life, I would not chose to be here; so I guess at least their is that.
I don’t really struggle or have suicidal thoughts; instead I struggle with inner demons “the voice in your head” the criticizing, the negativity, the inability, the frustration, the sadness, the uselessness and soul shattering lack of feeling important or desired.
So yes this is me. This is my mind right now; and no, counseling doesn’t help. Talking doesn’t help, all anyone ever does is talk. It’s frustrating and infuriating because nothing actually ever changes, its just the same old crap and just another day of me not being able to provide for myself; to feel good about myself, being valued or wanting to exist.
I hope that this does not depress you to learn how I feel, how I struggle every day and how I feel stuck unable to move both in life and mind that I live in a cage.
Oh and don’t even get me started on me trying to find help for my Autism and special needs. Me and my mom looked, there just isn’t anyone out there that helps autistic adults all the help is geared for young kids. Do I need help handling my life my chores my activities; yes, but so far all it’s felt like is that society just doesn’t give a crap, I feel forgotten. I feel undervalued and I feel useless, and powerless to change any of it.